Ok, so I just realized that I haven't written a blog in a while. Right now isn't the greatest time to write one, anyways, seeing how tired I am. Today I had 2 tests, back to back. First was Algebra 2, and according to edline I got an 88 on it! Very cool. My next test was in Latin 2. I'm not so sure how I did in that, but I don't think I did too bad. I felt fairly confident, but not so much on the grammar.
Right now I am studying for my history test tomorrow, and I can't keep my eyes open. So, more tomorrow. For now, I will sleep.
"contacting Steve Burns is easy.Simply go out into the night sky and yell his name. In moments he will fly to your side
on silver angel-wings and sing you a song with his guitar." ~ Steve Burns' website.
www.steveswebpage.com <= go there, Steve is the MAN!

Lately all I can do is pray for the weekend. This week has gone by painstakingly slow. Today I had an Algebra 2 quiz, and I seriously think I got a 25 on it. I did so bad on it. Lately I am feeling pretty bad about myself, and I can't change that. But I hope things will get better. In fact, it already seems like things are looking up. I have been losing weight, which I am so happy about. It's not much, but to me, it's wonderful. I haven't felt this positive about my weight in a long time, and people are even noticing it. Kurt said that when he saw me for the first time after break, the look of surprise and joy on his face wasn't because of my hair, but he noticed first that I was slimmer. This almost made me cry. I really hope I can continue to lose weight, but I know I will never be slim. Hopefully now I can bring my Algebra 2 grade up...
Last night dad and I got into a fight; the first in a while. Even though the fight was bad while we were having it, it all turned out O.K. He came upstairs later and gave me a hug and apologized, and so did I. We will both try and work on our relationship.
Unfortunately, the Yankees just lost to the Chicago White Sox, so I am going to go silently weep in the corner of my room. Till tomorrow, may the sun forever brighten your smile.

It's 8 o'clock on a saturday morning, and what am I doing? I am getting ready to go babysit...until 6! Today is going to be so incredibly long. My only hope is that there are some good movies on T.V to help pass the time. So I am supposed to be getting ready right now..but I am procrastinating, as usual.
Yesterday was dad's birthday. Mom and I went in halves for a $30 gift card to Sears..works for me. Mom also got him some lottery tickets, but he didn't win anything. He was really surprised and happy, which I'm glad about. We went to dinner at this chineese restaurant in Bristol; great place, but I'm still sick off of it. That was most likely the reason I was up all night. I got like an hour and a half of sleep..or so it feels. Lindsey i/m'd me at 3 A.M and I must have been asleep, but I remember being awake at around 4. Oh well. It is now just about 8:30, and I'm not even dressed. I suppose I should go do that.
Until later,
   Peace, Love, and all that good shit

Last night was the worst night of my life. I was talking with Shawn online, and we got into an argument. I threatened to kill myself, and I did something really stupid. I cut myself and sent him the picture. He called the cops. They showed up and I told them it was a cat scratch and that I didn't really do it. They brought me to the hospital anyways. The ambulance attendant was so amazing. We talked the whole time; we were laughing and making fun of the explorers (young EMT group) and I didn't want to get to the hospital at all. When we got there he brought me in and found me a bed, which was surprising because there were people sleeping in the hallways, and he got me all set up with cable and everything. I didn't want him to leave, he was the one person who made me feel good all night. The nurse was pretty cool, though. She tried to do anything to make me feel at home. The doctor didn't even look at my arm, he listened to my story and basically thought it was stupid that I was even there. But I had to see the social worker in the morning before I could leave. I was expecting some 85-year-old lady to walk in and make me stay 72 hours or something, but instead I got a (maybe) 30-year-old hippie! She was so cool! I told her all about Shawn and the situation with me not being able to see or talk to him (though I don't even want to right now) and she agrees that it is completely unrealistic of dad to tell me that I can't see my brother. So she is setting up 3 appointments for all of us to go down and have a mediated talk to work things out without it becoming an argument. I really hope it works out.
Mom and dad know the truth about what really happened last night, and they're going to help me to get the help I need. I am actually relieved that they know, now, because now they can understand a little more about me and maybe learn about my problems. I was frightened to death to have mom find out about it, but now I am almost upset that I didn't tell her before. I did find out, however, that Shawn told her a few months ago. He never could keep his mouth shut. I'm just glad they didn't lock me up in that place for 72 hours. However, I did want a padded cell, always have wanted one, and I really wanted the ambulance attendant to use the furry leather restraints on me ;) Leave it to me to flirt with the EMT who's bringing me to the hospital....Hey, he flirted, too.

Today dad told me that I can no longer see/talk to/ communicate with Shawn. I don't care what they do to eachother anymore, but no one can make me cut all ties with him, Liz, or Bethany. I love them too much. I realize that what Shawn did to them was wrong, and much against what dad says, I don't condone it. Why must I repeat constantly that I refuse to choose sides, and that I hate being in the middle, but if that means being neutral then that is where I will remain. Yet both sides are trying to make me choose, and I can't. Now dad has informed me that if I continue to hold a relationship with my own brother I will be kicked out of the house. He told me that other people look at me, people he knows (Mo) and think I'm fucked up. Apparently Mo said "What the fuck is wrong with your daughter?" I don't know, what the fuck is wrong with me? At the moment I know that I feel all tingly and my arm hurts. There are two reasons for this; 1) I am tingly, I'm guessing, from the handful of pills I took earlier, and 2)my arm hurts because there are slits in them. Why must I continue down this road? Don't they understand what they are doing to me? I feel like all I want to do is make my body die, because my soul already has.

I just finished my bio paper, I was working on it all night. It is 10:35, and I am so tired. I stayed after school today for drama, but we never ended up rehearsing, so instead of going home I stayed at school. Dad forgot about me or something, and I called him at like quarter to five to finally bring me home. What a day...
Tomorrow we perform the play for the whole school!! I am so excited, I can't wait. I know it will be amazing. I am so sad that it will be over, once and for all, tomorrow. I loved drama, it was my reason for going to school. Now what have I got to look forward to? Oh well.. I guess I will just have to count down until next year.
Tomorrow is a lot of things actually. The American Studies 2 class is doing a 1950's malt shop thing in the little gym all morning, it should be really cool. I'm going to mystmysteriouslyeriously disappear during study hall to go down there, and I think Mr.Doniger is going to bring us during acting, as well. Plus, tomorrow is a half day, AND the start of APRIL VACATION!!!! WOOT! That'll be a nice break, I just don't know when I go back. I think I can figure it out, though.
Oh, and I forgot to mention yesterday, I made high honors!!!! I haven't done that since last year, I have always missed it by a tenth of a point. I'm so proud of myself :)

Today this hypnotist came to our school, and I was chosen as one of the volunteers. So he was supposed to hypnotize me, but it didn't happen. I completely faked the whole thing. It was soo fun though, I had a blast. The thing that pisses me off is that no one believes me! I don't understand; I explain to them exactly what I did and that I wasn't hypnotized at all, and that even though I remember the things I wasn't supposed to, had I been hypnotized, they still don't believe me. I don't care though, I'll get over it. I still had a lot of fun!
So today I ended my diet. I know I was only on it for like 3 days, but I am so completely wiped. My body is just so weak and I keep getting dizzy and seeing stars all the time, its just not healthy. But I have discovered that my stomach has shrunk. I ate my lunch today and I only got through about half of it. Usually a lunch like that would just barely fill me up. I am still highly considering becoming a vegetarian. I talked to 2 today, Lee and Sarah (Sarah is actually a vegan) and I found out a lot of things. I found out the some cheeses are made with scrapings from the inside of cows stomach and gelatine is made with animal parts as well. That realllly sucks! But I still think it is something I want to do. It will be hard, but I think it's possible.

Today I am doing something I haven't done in a long time; get my hair cut. As of right now it is somewhere near 3 feet long..pretty long, I'd say. I'm not going to get it cut too short, but long layers will do just fine.
Great news..CAPTS ARE OVER!!!! WOOT!! I'm so happy about that. Last night my parents bought me a turntable!! That also makes me very happy. Its awesome, dad just hooked it up for me and its so great. Now I need more records.
Tomorrow I am going on a fruit and veggies diet, plus nuts, tuna and dairy, but that's it. I am calling it the "vegetarian diet" (other than the tuna for protein purposes) because I am basing it off of all the vegetarian people I know and that they are all skinny. I don't know how long I will be on it for. I may be on it for like a few months, and depending how I do on it, maybe forever. I thought it would be really hard to give up soda, but it wasn't. With a little persistence maybe I can go vegetarian, I always wanted to. It would just finish off that whole hippie thing I got going on. If anyone has any ideas about how I can get protein without eating tuna, let me know. E-mail me, the link is under "About." If you don't have any ideas, still email me, I want to know if anyone actually reads my blogs!
Well, I have work to do. 2 Papers due this week...funn. Plus, 1-3 inches of snow expected for Monday, that sucks so bad.
"To be great is to be misunderstood." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~