Crystal's Blog

Thanksgiving was great! I spent that day at the football game, then went to my grandparent's house with Shawn, Liz and Bethany for dinner. I baked an apple pie with grandma, and brought it with me the next day for my family's Thanksgiving. Mom had to work the real day, so we just had it on Friday. That was probably one of the best Thanksgiving's I've ever had!
Our Holiday concert is on Thursday. We had a long choir rehearsal today. Tomarrow we do the same for band. I have a small solo in choir, nothing big. I feel like a fool when I sing it, too. I also have a Pre-calc test on Thursday, and seeing how I wasn't in class today, and won't be tomorrow, plus I don't know what's going on, I think it's safe to say I'm screwed; again!
Today I felt really apathetic towards EVEYTHING! I still need to write a 16 measure melody and chord progression for music theory, and it's almost 11 p.m.
Mom keeps bugging me to see a psychiatrist. I really don't want to. I know what he's going to tell me already. I don't want to go through the bullshit of therapy, pills that will make me gain the weight I've managed to lose, or having to take time out of my life for it, either. Even though I know that what I feel towards myself just isn't right. I know it comes from my BPD (borderline Personality Disorder). No, I don't know that's what I have for sure, but of all the research I've done, it fits perfectly. I feel a lot like Susanna Kaysen from "Girl, Interrupted." She had BPD, and was in a mental hospital for swallowing a bottle of aspirin.

" Susanna Kaysen: I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. " ~"Girl, Interrupted."

At the day's end, this dreadful day, I think to Alain, my French kindrid soul. For all intensive purposes, he saved me today, from myself. He talks me out of self-hatred and loathing. He keeps a smile on my face. A smile that is more than just the facade that is seen by all others. He keeps that true smile, the one my soul shines through on my face. The sadness of it all is that he is unable to see this smile, and the people who make it go away have the pleasure of seeing that. Now I sit in my room, at my computer, listening to the song that he is inspired by.

The End
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In our...desperate land ?

Lost in a romance...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is callin' us
The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us ?

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
"Father ?", "yes son", "I want to kill you"
"Mother?...I want to...FUCK YOU"

C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock, On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock, C'mon, yeah
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

This is the end, Beautiful friend
This is the end, My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end
~Jim Morrison~ The Doors~

It's amazing. You think you know who your friends are, and then you turn around to find a knife in your back. I only have one true friend, and he know's who he is. He's the kind of friend who makes sure you're ok, and can tell when you're not. He's the kind of friend you can turn to when you're in trouble. He's the kind of friend who knows the truth without asking. He's the kind of friend who doesn't believe what he hears from people who aren't your friend to begin with. He's the kind of friend who will never pass judgement on you because he doesn't have to, he knows who you are on the inside. He's the kind of friend, the only kind of friend, I want in my life. But the question is, is he the kind of friend that by having just one can keep you alive?

"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
~ Ludwig Van Beethoven ~

Today was a really bad day. It started out OK, but somehow it all went wrong. I think it started with music theory. Mr.Atkins was making fun of me for doing the lights, which doesn't bother me too much (we do that a lot) but everyone else joined in. I really got upset over that, because I take pride in that and people don't fully understand what went in to the show. Then I went in for extra help with Ms.Lang, and I left feeling even more confused and hopeless. As we were leaving precalc (my head spinning), I stepped in a puddle of water, slid and fell on to my bad knee. So, when I got to Latin, I went to the nurse and got some ice. Went to Latin where the confusion continued. Finally, for my favorite class; band! Ok, I think its safe to say that my head wasn't on straight today, and I had a bad rehearsal. I missed a bunch of my cues, and Anna had to say something about it. I actually cried for the rest of the rehearsal, and then all the way home. Today has been another one of those "I can't do anything right, I hate myself, everyone hates me, feel like I'm going to explode if I don't destroy something" days. The thing that really pisses me off is that I've done nothing but try and be a good friend to Anna, but she makes no effort. She's constantly making comments about me being a 'half-blood' which means someone who's in choir, too. She always makes comments about singing, and if I start singing, she freaks out! But yet she plays her flute everywhere whenever she wants to. I already got her Christmas present, but I don't know whether I should even bother. It's obvious she pretty much hates me now, her and everyone else. I hate it. I just want to curl in a ball and die sometimes. I would do anything to not have to be me anymore, or be somewhere else. Why did I fight to stay here when we almost lost our house all those times? Why bother? No one else does. I don't think anyone's even reading this now.

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not."

~ Andre Gide ~

Last night was the final performance of the school's senior play. They put on "Twelve Angry Men" which is a story about the deliberations of 12 jurors after the trial of a young boy charged with murder. It's a really great play! And, even though I'm not a senior, I was part of the production! I ran the lights on the new light board, which is the same as the board at the Warner Theatre, where I learned. I'm the only person, other than Mr.Doniger (the director) who's ever had any experience on the board, so I was lucky enough to get to run them. I had such a great time.
I'm not doing much this weekend. Today I need to go shopping for my costume for the 1920's fashion show for American Studies class. But, I also want to go see "Finding Neverland" with Kurt, or anyone that'll go. It's noon now and mom still isn't awake. I knew this would happen. I'm so sick of them going to the bar every weekend. It's such bullshit! Because of it all of our weekends are crappy. They're always crabby and rude on Sunday. I hate it.

"I'm youth, I'm joy, I'm a little bird that has broken out of the egg." ~Sir J.M. Barrie