Over the weekend, I thought I would be doing nothing more than lying around, with maybe a little cleaning or school work thrown in for good measure, but much more happened. Last night, I went over Lindsey's house, and her boyfriend Justin and his friend Ray came over. The 4 of us, and Francis, all went out to eat at Kent Pizza, went to IGA for some gum, then rented a movie. Ray had to leave before we got the movie, but it was ok. We rented a movie I had wanted to see for a long time; Virgin Suicides. The movie was amazing! It was so good, and so twisted. I loved it!
So as we were watching the movie, Justin, who had already gone home, called Lindsey and said that Ray was talking to him online and wanted to know if I'd go out with him! So, this Friday, Lindsey, Justin, Ray and I are double-dating at the movies. Yes, I, Crystal Chausse, have a DATE this Friday! Can we believe it?! It's been 2 years since I've had a date! Who knows where this will lead, but I'm willing to find out. I'm sooo happy right now! We talked for quite a while online today, getting to know eachother a bit more. I think this could be good!

I finally got the picture of Kurt and I from homecoming! I know I look incredibly fat in the picture, but I've lost 30 lbs since then! I can't wait until Prom when I get to wear that again! And that picture will be fabulous, I know it!


It's been a week since my last entry, and a lot has happened since then. First, for last Friday:
Friday marked the last day of midterm exams, and since it was the last day, I celebrated! Colleen, Kurt, Jamie, Mimi and some other people all went out to the chinese restaurant in Torrington for lunch. After that I went over to Kurt's house for a little while, then joined him and everyone else at the swim meet (we made a stop at the school for the choir's movie night, where all of 6 people were, and watched an hour of Napolean Dynamite, one of the crappiest movies I've ever seen). I hadn't realized how many of my friends were on the swim team until Friday! So Shannon, the team manager, asked me if I'd like to do times (basically you stand at the end of a lane and time the race, in case the power fails or there's a mishap, you have the time). That was probably the best thing I could've done! It was so awesome being down at the pool with the team, with all of my friends (well, almost all of them..) part of the 'action.' I really enjoyed myself! After that I went with the others to the swim party over at Brian's house, which was really great! But, wouldn't you know, we watched none other than Napolean Dynamite! I couldn't believe it! Everyone there except Kurt, Anna, and I thought it was the funniest movie; we thought it was the lamest! By the time I got home that night it was after midnight. It was seriously one of the best days I've ever had!
Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were nothing special. I spent the weekend at Shawn's in Bristol, and had to stand the sight of Liz...more on that in a moment.
Tuesday I went to school as normal, and then yesterday we had a snow day, and of course I woke up with a bad fever feeling absolutely terrible.
Last night, Liz kicked Shawn out of the apartment. She's been cheating on him for 4 months. I can't believe he actually still has feelings for her! I hate her! I just wish there was something I could do for Shawn,, he's in so much pain right now.
Today I stayed home from school because I'm still sick. The plan was to go to the doctor's in the morning and then go to school after that, but mom decided against that. I went to the doctors after 2, and of course I have another sinus infection! I just got over one not even a month ago! I don't think my doctor is helping very much, either. She's got me on Omoxycilin and a nasal spray. I hate anything being in my nose, so this ought to be painful.
And for the funny story of the evening; the cat, who has some odd obsession with my fish, Jaques, decided to try and eat it while I was away yesterday. When I came back, I found the cat cowering, sopping wet, in the kitchen. In my room I found the fish bowl on it's side and water everywhere! My keyboard, unfortunately, was the hardest hit. It doesn't work anymore, and I have to use the old keyboard for now. The fish, thank God, is alive. I think the cat got scared when he got hit with all the water. So needless to say I spent a lot of time today cleaning up that mess...
So, tomorrow I still don't know if I'm going to school or not. My fever's back, and I still feel like crap. I mean, it is a friday, so would it hurt to go in for a day? Or then again, would it hurt to just stay home and enjoy the rest that I've delayed for so long? I just don't know...
"Oh, love is real enough; you will find it someday, but it has one archenemy -- and that is life."
~ Jean Anouilh Ardele ~

LC Dreamin                                                            

Been dreamin of a town,
so far off as to never see.
The images they appear
to be blurry to me.

This town contains fantasies,
castles, hills, and lakes.
This town it has with it
the things for which my heart aches.

The dreams that come
seem so far away.
The dreams I've seen
I wish sometimes could stay.

These places I visit
if only when I rest,
have with them a desire,
a yearning for a quest.

As I lye awake dreaming
of the one I have not yet,
I can't help but invision
riding to LC at sunset.                                                                               Photo by Alain Crozier

Today was one of the worst.. and the week is only going to get worse. Today we had the A.S 2 exam, writing the 4 essays, and because of the weekend, I wasn't prepared. I only had 3 essays and part of the 4th finished, and I had to hand it in. I know it doesn't really matter how I did on that, because it doesn't even get averaged in to the quarter grade, but I still feel bad abut not doing my best. I left the exam with tears welling in my eyes, but I held them back, as I always do. I hate this feeling of emptiness and worthlessness. I wish I had some form of relief.
Tomorrow I have all music, which is better. I have my band and choir evaluations, and then I have my Music Theory exam. I'm not too worried about either of them, I'm sure I'll do fine. There's a drama rehearsal after school until 3, then after that I'll be going down to cash my check at Webster Bank, then over to Sophia's Pizza to pick up an application and talk to the owner about a job. I'm really excited! Even if the job pays minimum wage, I'll still be happy to have any money at all. I hate not having money anymore! I just need it to go to Rome.
I was telling Alain about how I'll be in Rome in 3 months, and he asked if I could also visit France. It's really too bad that I can't. I would do anything to be able to visit, especially to La Clayette, and finally meet Alain. After talking to him for over a year, reading his works, seeing his art, and learning about him, I want nothing more than to meet him in person. The photos he's sent of LC are so beautiful, too. I think it looks like a fantasy town of mine. If I ever get to live in France, even for a short time, I think maybe I will look there. Either way, I will get to LC, and I will meet Alain. Haha,, I wonder if Alain has ever wanted to visit Italy.. but that would be too much for him, I think.
I need to get to sleep, I have to be well rested for the exams.

What a weekend. So much has happened, and so much is left to still be done. I don't know where to begin, or where to end for that matter. Basically, I'm lost, and have no incling of direction. I can't say anything right now, but I know that I am broken.
Midterms start tomorrow, and for one reason or another I haven't been able to do what I've needed to do. I need to write my notecard tomorrow for the English/History exam. I'm so tired. I just need to sleep...
I have a need right now. I need to feel the embrace of my love,, the one I can only dream of. I need to be protected, to be soothed, to be comforted, but I can't. How can I be comforted by a man I do not yet know completely? I only know him from the images of my brain. Damn this..

I was sitting here working on my history mid-term essays, and the song "Never Ever" by the All Saints came on the French Web Radio that I'm listening to. I haven't heard that song in such a long time! And it's so ironic that it should come on now, of all times. Today is Lindsey's 16th birthday, and that song used to be the song that we'd sing together all the time. We used to spend all of reccess planning out our futures of how we were going to be famous singers, and that song was always the one that inspired us. This morning I found out that Lindsey was in a car accident last night. Vanessa was driving them to her house, and they got in to a head-on collision not even 5 minutes from my house. Now, hearing that song, I can't help but be thrown in to the reality that I almost lost her. She's ok, they both are, but still..they were so lucky. I don't know what I would ever do if I ever lost Lindsey. She's been my best friend, my sister, my life since we were in first grade. When everything and everyone else in my life had brought me down, she was always there to lift me up. If I ever lost her,, I don't know what I would do. I just find it such an ironic coincidence that the song that pretty much defined our childhood together came over on a French radio today of all days, when the song hasn't been popular in years! Now I'm just sitting here, crying, but the reality of the situation just really set in. I could've lost her... I could've lost myself..everything. I can't even bare the thought of it. I want to talk to her right now more than anything, but she's over at Vanessa's house, and I'm sure she's sleeping by now. I'll see her tomorrow, but I just want to hug her and tell her how much she means to me, and that I would die if I lost her.


I just wrote a poem that I think describes the realization of what today means to me.

This weekend seems like a mystery to me. I'm sitting here trying to think where it went, and I can not be sure! Yesterday I didn't feel well all day because of trying to cut the caffeine, its making me unenergized. I relaxed all day and then last night I went crazy cleaning. I stayed up until 1am just cleaning my room. I got up early this morning to clean the rest of the house. Lindsay, Matt, and Shannon came over at 2 and we worked on the project for history. I finished the power point after they left, but it's terrible. We'll get a good grade, but its still not all that good. Right now I'm just sitting at the computer, chatting with friends, waiting for my parents to come home with pizza. I've got a lot of homework and studying to do tonight, but I'm too tired right now to do it. I finally gave in and took some excedrine,, I can't stand feeling so drab.
Exams start in a week. I haven't started studying yet, either. I've been going crazy. I feel like there's more and more work to do, and less time. I'm always so tired. I don't know, maybe I should see a doctor. Everyone else always seems so sane, and I feel insane! I just want to get away for a while.. escape. There's somewhere I yearn to go, but I'm afraid I'll never get there...
"Every life has a measure of sorrow, and sometimes this is what awakens us."

~ Steven Tyler ~

It's really late, and I should be asleep because I haven't gotten much sleep lately as it is, but I had to get some things let out. I'm really stressed out tonight! Mid-terms are in two weeks, and I'm really scared! Precalc has been the worst class I've ever taken, and it makes me feel so stupid. I know its a hard class, and it is the advanced class, but it still gets to me that I feel so alone and so lost. I really hate Ms.Lang as a teacher, too. She doesn't give very good notes, doesn't explain much in class at all, and when I go in for extra help she makes me feel even more stupid. I really can't take this class much longer. In a way, I'm glad the year is half over, but I also hate that I still have half a year to go in it. I really feel like crying right now, and I know I will be by the end of the night. I wish I had someone here to cry to, someone to make me feel better, but no one is here for me.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. I really don't know what is going to happen to me. The fact that I really hate myself has been dragging me down lately, and I'm actually afraid that I won't make it much longer if I don't get some of this stress cleared up. I'm watching all my friends fill out college applications and start looking in to where they want to go, knowing they can get in and make something of themselves, and I don't know anything about it! I don't think I can go anywhere but CCSU, and I'm afraid of being rejected everywhere. I'm also afraid that I won't be able to pay for any of it, either. Money has been a big stress lately, too. With the final payment for my Rome trip in a little over a month, I don't know what I'm going to do. I really need a job, but everyone's having problems getting a job in this town lately. Plus, my parents are still reluctant to even allow me to have a job, which is a whole other rant. I feel so helpless right now, and I don't know what I can do to change it. I really need something or someone to pull me out of it, but I can't see the solution now. I just don't know what I will do.

I had a really nice weekend after all. I went with Shawn to his friend Michelle's New Years Eve party. I had a really great time there, almost too good a time. I stayed at Shawn's appartment until this morning. Well, actually yesterday morning since today can no longer be counted as Sunday. Now it is Monday morning and I still haven't gone to bed. I've been talking to this guy Michael online. He's a cool guy, he knows a lot about musc, and we click well. But I really should get some sleep. We have school in the morning, and I need to get up for a shower early.
"Parting is such sweet sorrow" ~Shakespeare