As finals come to a close, I start to realize what other things are ending as well. Classes are ending, school activities are over, and friends are leaving. Sure, I'm glad to see precalc go, but I find it difficult to imagine myself not walking out of music theory anymore, always hitting that strip of metal for good luck. Monday will be the last day that I can walk in to the band office and find my closest friends in there, at least until next year for some of them, and forever for others. Never again will I come in to find Desiree, Kurt or Anna waiting impatiently for Minnerly to unlock the door in the morning. Then again, I'll never have to walk in to find a snide remark from Dan coming my way... that's a relief, at least. Still, it's sad. It didn't hit me like this last year, mostly because I didn't really think about it, nor did I really care. Last year I was a sophomore and I still had two years, and my upperclassmen friends still had a full year to go. Now I'm the one with only a year to go, and they'll be gone forever.
I guess all this reality didn't hit me until Friday night, at Desiree's going away party. It seeme like just a few days ago that she said she had 30 days till she went home, and now she's home. I don't want to accept the reality that after this summer I may never see Kurt again. He's really been my rock for these last few years. He's been there for me when nobody else has, and I love him as if he were my own brother. I know I'm going to cry my eyes out at graduation, because that's when it's really going to hit me.
We were supposed to go up to Six Flags today as a "one last hurrah" kind of thing, but that didn't work out. In fact, we've been trying to get it to happen for weeks, and something always comes up. We might be able to get there some time this summer, but who knows.
I know that when we were at Desiree's party, and she was saying goodbye, a lot of us lost it. It was really sad to say goodbye. I wish I had gotten to know her better over this last year, but then again, that would have made saying goodbye that much harder.
I'm not really sure what else I can say. I think most people can relate to this post, because sooner or later, we all have to let someone go. I know it's going to be hard for me, and hard for everyone. I know that in the end, it'll all work out. Maybe we'll all stay in contact, or maybe we'll just be distant memories of our high school years. But no matter what happens, we'll always have those memories, and through them these friendships will survive.

What can I possibly say about this last week? It's been interesting, that's for sure! Monday was not a good day for me at all, as can be seen by my last post. But that feeling, though it still hasn't gone completely gone away, has diminished greatly.
Wednesday was an amazing day! The major field trip for the music dept. this year was to go to see a Broadway show. We went to see "The Producers." No one really knew what the show was about, or how good it was going to be. Little did we know it was going to be the greatest show we've ever seen! It was soooooo good!!! The majority of the play was actually sexual, crude humor. every time I looked over at Mr.Minnerly, he had his head in his hands. Luc thought he might have been contemplating the state of his employment, but I think it was ok. All I know is that I really wish I could go back and see it again, because it was amazing! Maybe next time I'm in New York I'll see if I can get tickets.

The next day was a very stressful, yet eventually a great day. The drum major tryouts were in the afternoon. Eight of us tried out, and I was sixth. I went up and had a conversation with Mr. Atkins during the other's tryout, and then finally at around 5:30 I was getting ready to leave. I went in to the band office to get my things, and Minnerly and Anna were in there talking. When they saw that I was there, they looked at eachother, nodded, and then Mr.Minnerly extended his hand and said "Congratulations." I felt like I was going to pass out or something! I wanted to do a cartwheel. He then told me that the other two drum majors are Sarah and Kyle. I'm so excited for next year! I'll admit, I foresaw Sarah getting it, but I didn't see Kyle. But from what I heard, he gave an amazing audition, and I think he'll do fine. Minnerly told me that I couldn't say anything to anybody, so I had to wait until the next day. On Friday, I had a lot of people congratulate me, and then I had others avoid me. I really feel bad that there are some who didn't make it, I won't say who I'm specifically talking about, but I think they know. I just hope that they aren't mad at me in particular for what came from it. I am just so excited for next year now! I can't wait to see what next year will bring I have a feeling it's going to be the best year of my life.
Alain sent me a poem the other day, it's in English, and he asked that I check it over for errors. He told me that the poem is about a cousin of his, Jacky, who died 3 years ago today. I'd like to post it here in remembrance of his cousin, and of his work. I love this poem very much. I think Alain has great talent, one that I could never compare to.

I know that when I put this past week or so in to perspective, I should be happy. I've had 2 wonderful theatre gigs, both of which I'm getting paid for, though I don't really care about the money. I've gotten my music theory project finished, which was amazing. The band had 2 parades, and they both went amazingly well. I had a nice family get-together on Memorial day, which is where the picture from last week came from. And even though I stressed a lot, I was still able to make it through. But yet, even with these accomplishments, all I can find myself doing is sitting here in my room crying. I'm so upset right now, and so depressed. In fact, all weekend and for a good part of the month I've felt this way. I'm just sick of being me. I'm disappointed in who I've let myself become, and more than that I'm ashamed of the person I'm turning out to be.
I feel really guilty even thinking and feeling the way I am right now. I'm not going to post what that is, because I don't want to make it public, or potentially offend anyone.
I want to call Kurt right now. He said that when I feel this way that I should call him. But yet, I don't think I should. I don't think he really cares if I do or not. Lately I feel alone. I have my friends in school, but once I leave, I'm alone. I sit at home on the weekends and at night doing nothing. No one calls, and no one cares to get together. No one really cares in general, I guess.
I know I'm probably just over reacting, and that when people read this post they're going to say something like "Oh, Crystal, you shouldn't feel that way. We love you, don't worry!" Either that, or they're going to say, "What a bitch. How conceited is she!" I guess I shouldn't really care either way. I just don't know anymore.