I've been feeling kind of lost lately. I know that my grandfather is going to die soon, and there's been a lot of legal crap surrounding the whole thing. A person can't just die, their family has to fight about their estate. I really don't feel like I'm owed anything from him, except maybe the Dodge Stealth because he told me he was going to give that to me several years ago, when I turn 18. My grandmother, Shawn, Mary and Bethany all came over this afternoon for a cook-out, and it didn't take long for dad to start screaming left and right about grandpa and the estate and what's happening. And then everyone looks to me and asks me what I think about everything, and I just don't know what to say. I mean, it would solve a lot of issues for me if in fact I do own half of the house, because that way I can live close to my college, commute, and always have a place to come home to. Plus, my mother now knows that no matter what happens she will always have a place to stay, and Shawn and I are hoping that this will be a step in the right direction for her. Then again I don't want to feel like I'm using an old man who's on his death bead by protesting to what's going on. I'm just so confused, and I'd rather just stay away from all of the arguing and let things unfold as they will.
School is coming along nicely, I have to say. My classes this year are difficult, but not imposible. Music is turning out to be amazing already. Our first night rehearsal was productive, and I know that they'll be a great addition to the program. I took the tenor saxophone home on Friday night and I'm already seeing a lot of cool stuff happening there. Plus, I just applied at Monaco's Restaurant, which pays well and would only work me like 2 nights a week, so that's a bonus. I can see things starting to take shape in my life, and I'm hoping that it remains on that track.

So life hasn't been so great lately. Over the weekend I managed to finish very little out of the pile of work I needed to get done. I did get to spend some time with my grandparents, brother, and niece though. I went over to my grandparent's house on Sunday night in the hopes of being able to spend some time with them while they still have some time. However, Monday morning, gramps went back to the hospital. I don't think I've ever really seen my grandmother cry until Monday. She's never been the type to let things upset her, but knowing that she's going to be losing her husband soon was too much for her. I feel so bad for grandma. We were able to cheer her up, though. We brought her out to the mall with her friend Mary. It wasn't much, and all they wanted to do was sit on the bench, talk, and watch the people go by. But for grandma, that was a lot. She doesn't get out of the house much, and she thoroughly enjoyed just getting all of the mess surrounding her life off of her mind, if only for a little while. I was glad to see her smiling again, that's for sure.
Now, as my grandfather is preparing himself to pass on, I feel so awkward. He wants to discuss with me his plans for me when he dies, and I feel so strange. I don't know what to say when he tells me that he's making arrangements for me to go to college, and to have his car, and half of the house. I don't even know how to deal with all of these things, along with knowing that my grandfather only has about 2 monthes left to live. It's such a confusing time for me.

On the other hand, I've got school to manage. This morning I missed the bus by about a minute. She was early, again, but still I should have been out the door just a little sooner. My father got up and started bitching at me, of course. I swear, he's not happy unless he's arguing with me. He gets me so enraged. This morning it was all I could do to not destroy something, or myself. When he starts in on me, and not even just about missing the bus, but he then starts yelling at me for NOT arguing, for just sitting there waiting for a ride to pick me up, I just get so angry. I feel 17 years of hate and pain boiling up inside of me. I feel like I should just let everything that has ever bothered me about him just spew out of me, but I can't. Instead, I hold it all back. I hold it back, calm myself down, and ignore him. What happens when I do that? When I try and be mature and to just let things cool down? He starts yelling at me, again! He will either yell at me for getting angry and defensive, or he'll yell at me for not fighting! I don't understand it! I just wish he would go away sometimes. I really just can't wait to leave this place. But not being allowed to drive or work has been holding me back. They're limiting my freedom, and therefore my ability to leave the environment which inhibits me. Even when I graduate, there's no way I'm going to be prepared to leave. I'll end up bumming off of others until I'm thirty, and that's my biggest fear.
Oh man, am I just rambling now. I need to finish more homework. It's strange how the thing that gives me the most trouble at times is the thing which keeps me sane.

I know it's been ages since I posted. I've had a few posts on myspace, but I haven't posted much here. To get everyone up to speed, I'm back in school, sort of, and I'm through with Camp Jewell! I don't know if I'll ever see James again, and I'm not sure I even care to. I have an upper respiratory tract infection, so I missed yesterday and today of school. I also just got back from an amazing vacation at Cedar Point in Sanduscky, Ohio.
Kurt's parents wanted to take me with them because Anna was in college, and they didn't want Kurt to go alone. It ended up just being Mrs.Henrickson, Kurt, and I. The trip was amazing, and I highly reccomend going if you ever get the chance to.
Now that school's back, my life is starting to fit back together. I think this year is going to be hectic, but I really think it's going to be amazing. I'm really optimistic over what this year is going to bring to me. I am a little worried over the drama situation, though. I've heard some things about the new teacher which I don't quite agree with, but we'll have to see what transpires there. All in all, I just have to wait and see.