I have to write this all now, before its out of my memory forever. Laurel Music Camp 2006, the best year to date, is already over. I cant even begin to explain how amazing camp was this year, and how much it has done for me. Let me start with this person, Mr. Keith Hodgson.

Ive had a number of directors throughout high school, all of which I consider skilled and talented, but none could compare to Keith Hodgson. The first day of camp all I could think was that there was no way this man could be as qualified for the position as past directors have been. He seemed so young and fresh, new to the world of music and inexperience. But as we ended our first rehearsal I realized I was wrong. Mr. Hodgson is indescribable. I was afraid that I wouldnt be able to play the music he brought, Hounds of Spring, And the Heart Replies, Americans We or Sorcery Suite. They all seemed so difficult, and with the small flute section that we had, I thought he was expecting too much from us, or even just me. He pushed us hard, harder than my first two directors at camp, but Im glad he did. Ive grown a technical proficiency from this week that I could not have gotten anywhere else. Not only the music he brought, but the warm-ups he gave us really opened my mind. He used basics of theory in warm-ups, and introduced us to the grand-master scale which combines every scale into a 1-minute warm-up. He has given me so many tools that I will store away to be used on my band some day. I loved in rehearsal when he would ask theory questions, and even though I felt bad about it, I became known as the girl with the answers to them all. I didnt want to sound pompous HONESTLY! I just cant help the fact that I love theory so much!

Throughout the week, Ive had so many special memories more on those to come. But tonight I had the memory that I will hold with me for hopefully the rest of my life. As we were waiting forever in the band room, I started to get another migraine. So I went outside to eat some leftover Fritos in hopes that would ease my head a bit. As I walked out to the steps I passed by Mr. Hodgson who gave me the signature smile and said hello, and I politely greeted him back. I had figured all week that he was just one of those people who would just talk to you for a few seconds then bow out. I figured he was only here with us a week, so probably didnt care much to get to know us students. I guess I was wrong. A few minutes after I sat down on the steps, he came out and sat down beside me and said, So, tell me about you. I truly was amazed. We began talking about theatre, and music, of course. Then we got into a discussion about early music education and how it should be taught, and I was amazed at how much he respected what I had to say. I felt as if I really was a music educator already, talking to a colleague more than a teacher. After a little while, to my disappointment, other people joined us. Call me selfish, but I would have loved to sit there and talk to him right up until the concert. I feel like I could learn so much from him. I am so sad to see him leave, and I hope that I do see him again some day. He is an amazing director, an inspiring musician, and a wonderful person. What he said to me, Youre going to be an exceptional music educator, I can tell already. That one sentence made me feel so confident in myself. Ive heard that before, but from my own directors who have known me for years. This was coming from someone who Ive only known a week, and who reached out to me when he didnt have to. This is also coming from someone I consider to be an inspiration, and who expelled a sincerity in that comment that I cant deny. I hope that hes right, and I hope that I am some day able to work with him again, but not as student, but as a colleague, the way he made me feel. I guess this blog has become more an ode to Mr. Hodgson than a memory of camp, but he deserved it. This is part of the reason why I want to become a music teacher. If Mr. Hodgson, in the same career as I want to be in, can inspire me like this, then its proof that I could do the same. If I can inspire or change the life of just one student, then my lifes goal will be complete. Hes one of those unsung heros, who doesnt realize the lives he changes every day. Thats what I want to be for someone, some day.

Thats all I can say for tonight. I have some quotes written down that Im sure Ill add later, but for now, Ive said my piece.

And let me once again reiterate my disdain for separation. As Ive said before, I love getting to know new and wonderful people, but I hate when it is only for a short amount of time. For this person, who has changed my life forever, to have left almost as quickly as he entered breaks my heart. I know I cant keep ties with every person Ill ever meet, but it kills me to know that I may never see him or the other wonderful people from camp again. LMC is a family, truly, and leaving them is like divorcing a part of my life. I hate to see them go, and I hate to know that I may never see them again. I hope that I do, someday, and in true camp tradition, I hope that the next time I see them I can pick up right where we left off. In the words of Bridget, I love CAMP!

When I came home today my parents had some news for me. Thursday is the bankruptcy hearing, and it doesn't look good. If you don't know the history, to sum it up quickly, we've been in and out of foreclosure and bankruptcy for the past 3 years. It's finally coming to an end, but not in our favor. As of probably this week our house is going up for sale, or else they'll take it from us and we'll be even further in debt. At least if we sell now we may come out with some money. Here's the problem, what now? So if we sell the house, I still need to stay around until graduation. It would be ridiculous to transfer this late in the year. So my parent's plan is to buy a trailor and get a site up at White Pines until I graduate. It won't be the most ideal situation, but it'll be a place to live for now. I'll have to move most of my things down to Bristol before. God, it's like it's not even happening. I understand the seriousness of this whole situation, and I understand that things are about to get really rough, but it hasn't sunk in. I don't want to think about it. Part of me doesn't want to believe the fact that I'm about to become homeless. I don't know what else to say.

Tonight was the final performance of "Alice in Wonderland." We've all gone through a lot of shit surrounding the show, but now that it's over, no one cares. This has seriously been one of the most stressful weeks of my life- what with my dad's surgery, the awards banquet and the complete lack of time for school/work, and the LCS concert. I haven't had any time to myself, and that's probably a good thing. But with all the stress, so many amazing things have come from this show.

For one, I've made some wonderful memories. I put a lot of hard work and thought into the show to see it come off well, and I feel like it was well worth it. All the same, I wish I could have done more. I wish I hadn't been such a bitch about it in the beginning and just dove right in, instead of stepping up the last couple of weeks.

I've made some new friends these last few months. I grew close to the cast and crew, and I hope that they felt the same connection I did. I'll never forget the people who accompanied me on this year's journey, and I hope I'll never lose touch with them. As I was telling one of these people last night, theatre can suck sometimes. I've done a number of shows around the state over the years, meeting new people everywhere. For that one week I grow close to people, but after that week I never see them again. Yes, that's something you have to deal with in theatre, but I hate it. There's one specific person, and he knows who he is, who I am so honored to have met during this. It's crazy that I met him in the beginning of the show, but it wasn't until just this week that I started really talking to him. Now that the show's over, and though he protests the thought, I'm afraid of him becoming another one of those lost-but-not-forgotten theatre people.

Finally, I may have opened opportunities for myself through this show. The possibility of future theatre jobs were discussed tonight, and I would love to see those followed through. When I entered the Warner 7 years ago as my brother's gopher (and gaffer), I never would have expected the love of theatre to grow the way it has. Now when I consider the possibilities for my future, I'm not sure where to turn. I'm accepted to CCSU, enrolled as a music ed major, and I'm all set to run towards that career. Yet when I step back or on stage, I feel that same sense of being 'home' as I do with music. Could I have a future in theatre? It's difficult, I know, and I probably don't have near enough experience to make pro, with either acting or teching. I know it's virtually impossible, but at the same time I can't turn my back on theatre. It's too much a part of my identity. That first job at the Warner came at a time in my life when I was struggling to find my identity. Thanks to the repressed childhood, I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted. Hell, I couldn't even remember most of where I had been. Theatre gave me something to latch on to, to feel secure and alive about. If I lose it, I lose a big part of myself.

When it was time to leave tonight, and I had to make it quick because my ride was waiting, I had to take one last walk. I stepped through the stage L door, through the upstage traveller, out to center and through the curtain. I looked up at the lights, down at the seats, to the back at the boards, and in at myself. This was it, the last time I'd be able to stand on stage after a TGS show. What was I looking at? Was it an end, or a beginning? A departure point, or a destination? Like the white rabbit says, "All that matters is what's going on inside you." But what is it?

"To the stage!"~ J. Larson

I'm kind of feeling like crap lately. I've been especially stressed over a combination of school, work, activities, and mostly my audition this Saturday. I was really glad to have a vacation this week, but I'm not even relaxing!! Chris (manager) found out that we have this week off, so he scheduled me an extra day. I've worked three 8-hour days, and I can't take it. I don't have any time to prepare for my audition now. I work again Weds and then Friday and Sunday. Weds I hope to get up to the school and tackle the choir library because it's attrocious.
I just had a fight with Shawn. I won't get into the details, but it wasn't pretty. That whole thing is tweaking me out.
All I'm doing is crying lately, but it's never enough. I can feel myself breaking inside because I'm stressed out and tired and dying and afraid and lonely. Lonely. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I've got a boyfriend, but everyone at work nags me about it, and he's known as one of the not-so-great employees over there,,, then again, it's McDonalds. I feel discontent with the whole situation.
Today I had a breakdown at work. I had worked almost 5 hours without a break and I desperately needed one because I had a full-on migraine. My register kept screwing up and Billy was yelling at me about something. I just lost it and I turned to Casandra and just said, "I REALLY NEED A FREAKING BREAK!!!" Billy called me to the back to ask me what was going on and I was just speachless. I didn't know why I was crying, it was more just a combination of everything. Then I called tonight to tell Chris that I was scheduled for Saturday (so he moved me to Friday... yay..), and I heard that my drawer was like $19.50 under. That really sucks. But Billy's getting written up for it, not me, because he never had me count it. I almost asked him if I needed to count it this morning, and now I'm really glad I kept my mouth shut. I'm really starting to get sick of the job, but in the back of my mind I just keep thinking about the fact that I don't know where I'm going to be next year. I'm so scared... that's all I can describe myself as being right now, is scared. I don't know where I am, where I'm going, who'll be with me, or how I'll survive. I don't know if I'll ever overcome these fears, and if I can make a better life for myself than what my parents have had, and what they want from me. I just don't know. I'm scared. I just wish I could escape.

I know it's been a ridiculously long amount of time since I've posted on here, so this is going to be a long entry. I'll skip over the events like Thanksgiving, which kinda sucked because our last game was cancelled, and the holiday concert, even though it rocked. I'm going to go straight to the most amazing day of my life- December 23, my eighteenth birthday.
Lindsey had been taunting me for weeks that something was being planned for my birthday, something unforgettable. I can say that my birthday was far more than just unforgettable. I can't even describe how perfect the day was. First, we had two concerts that day, the little kids concert and the concert for the school. Mr. Atkins informed me the day before that I would have the MLK solo for them. That alone made my day, because it went so well! Then, the band surprised me, a few times. They had an announcement in the morning that said, "Happy 18th birthday, Crystal, love the band. Notre Dame!" Then, as the little kids were leaving, we got to do Chameleon one last glorious time. Finally the school day was over, and Shawn picked me up. He said we had to go home first to help dad with loading up the trailor. I recognized that as a cover-up immediately, but I didn't know what was going on. When I got home, mom told me to open up the garage, and there it was, my car!!! The 1991 Dodge Stealth that my grandfather left me. The lawyer decided to give it to me after all. Then, we left for my real surprise.
Linds, Shawn, Mary and I were the only ones to go, because of scheduling conflicts. I got to about Bridgeport when I realized that my wildest dream about the day was actually coming true. We were going to New York City to see "Rent" on Broadway!!! It took what seemed like forever to get through the city and find Nederlander theatre. We finally did, got our tickets, then stopped at a chinese restaurant to eat. Since we all required it, we formed a line outside their one disgusting bathroom. This is the conversation that ensued as each of us returned to the table.
Me: Oh my God, I'm so glad I carry hand sanitizer on me!
Lindsey: Whoaa, I need hand sanitizer before I touch ANYTHING!
Mary: Please tell me I brought the hand sanitizer!
Lindsey: What the hell was on the sink, anyways?
Me: I don't know! I wasn't about to study its chemical composition.
Mary: How'd you flush?
Me: You had to screw the thing back in then push down.
A lady at the table next to us looks up.
Shawn: From what I hear, don't use the lady's room!
It was hillarious!! After eating, then roaming around times square for a bit, we went to the theatre. The show was absolutely incredible!!! I couldn't believe I was actually there! It was ten times better than the movie, and I sang and danced to just about every song. I can't wait to go back in February, when we plan to go with EVERYONE!
Two days later was Christmas, another spectacular day. I got a few cds, a battery charger, a shirt that doesn't fit, a fountain that's broken, and an MP3 player! Woo-hoo! I spent a few days in Bristol at grandmas, then went up to Camp Jewell for Reunion.
Reunion was a blast! My group had four of the most amazing campers Camp Jewell has ever seen, and we had a great time. Kelly and Lizz were the other counsellors with me, and Phil from program staff also led our group. We had some great laughs, and made some of these awesome quotes. I'd explain them, but it'd take too long.
"The white man's coming to get me!!" "It's called snow!"
"The ort is bananas."
"Mongooses down!"
"You didn't see anythingggg"
"I can't have babies anymore!"
"I'll give anyone $20 if they run over Mecca."
"Go down in a trash bag."
"They threw a bible into the fire and hell came out."
"500 B.C. Before Camp."
"You're the second black guy on myspace."
"Merry Christmas!" "I'm Jewish" "Happy Chanukuh."
"Ladel, ladel, ladel."
"Dradel, dradel, dradel, I made it outta guinea hen."
"Well, you see, African Americans age differently than us white folk!"
"I mosh to Michael Jackson."

Oh man, it was so great! Those two days are going to make it so hard for me to decide whether I want to go back to Camp next summer. Not to mention the promise of seeing Declan, the hot Welsh guy again. ;)

Good...But not good enough.
I missed Regions choir by one point. One. I'm so depressed. Sure, I could do what Atkins wants and feel proud of improving and being good enough to miss by only one point, but I can't. The story of my life,, good, but not good enough. God, it just hurts so much. It's what I'll have to put up with the rest of my life. College will probably be the same thing. "We're sorry. You're a good student, but not good enough for our school."
Fuck it all. Why do I care? Why do I bother trying to be good at something when I know it will ALWAYS turn out this way?? I shouldn't even bother. I'll probably end up like my mother, living with a lifetime of regrets and letdowns. It's not worth it. None of it is worth it. It's not worth feeling this much pain towards something I love so much. It makes me not want to love anything,, just hate EVERYTHING.

Mom had her biopsy today. We'll know by Monday if she has cancer or not. I really hope she doesn't. I'm so worried about her.

I'm getting my hair cut tonight. It's a big deal for me, I think. It signifies a big change in my life. A maturing, maybe. It's my last game, before Thanksgiving, tomorrow, and I just wanted to make it extra special somehow. I know it will be, based on last night's rehearsal. The rehearsal was absolutely amazing, the best I've seen yet. They got me so into Chameleon! And all the music, the marching, is the best it's ever been at Gilbert. We're gonna rock the house on Saturday.

Saturday was one of the busiest and best days of my life! I had SAT's in the morning, which really sucked. I really just hope I did better than last year, because I'm a little worried. I closed the book and said, "Congradulations, you may not be going to college now!"
After the test, Tanya, Kyle and I went out for lunch at Friendly's. We ate so much food! We got the loaded waffle fries, a collosal burger, and then the fudge brownie sundae. It was so amazing! Our total was like $43. Thats more than what either of our familys spend on a dinner! But it was worth it. I mean, we had the worst test, and then we had to go to band for the rest of the night. We were late for rehearsal, though, by 15 minutes, which kind of sucked. But Mr. Minnerly knew we would be, and I don't think he really cared. In fact, I doubt he'll even remember after the night at competition we had!

So everyone knows how I felt after our first competition. Now, hear what happened after this one!
I couldn't have been happier than I was last night. The band sounded amazing, looked awesome, and just all out rocked!! Even the judge was rockin out during Chameleon,, now that's HOTT! I felt really good about what I was doing, and how everyone else was. We ended up getting second place with a score of 80.29, and BEST PERCUSSION!! I was so psyched for that!!
When I got on the bus, I yelled out "Hey GILBERT!!" and lifted up the trophey. Everyone just exploded! We had to be the loudest group there. It was so amazing! We were screeming and cheering half the way home. I was in such a good mood! The best I can ever remember being in! I'm so proud of the band, and I'm so glad I had this opportunity to show our band off one last time before I graduate. It was so amazing. Mr. Minnerly was so proud of all of us (minus Toodles who stole a traffic cone ). I can't even begin to describe how amazing this season has been. It's just too spectacular!
I LOVE BAND!

"To the band, Thanks for making my senior year the best time of my life. I love you all. Love, Crystal." ~Me 11.05.05